LifePundit

We Don't Show Our Bosoms before 4:00 O'Clock

I'm in a crisis. It's funny, the things that come to you in a crisis. Things you think you remember but can't find any evidence of. And the headline for this post shows how I am already in the midst of a battle I am losing.

First off, I said "we don't show our bosoms."

And now I'm negotiating not to show them before 4:00.

Didn't Mammy say that in Gone with the Wind? "We don't show our bosoms before four o'clock." I can see her talking to Scarlet while the rest of the girls are napping and Scarlet has A Plan. Hence, she needs to show her bosoms before 4:00. Or was it 5:00?

At what time of life and time of day is it all right to show our bosoms? From the look of things on TV, as soon as you wake up is a good time to be showing your bosoms (note -- I am talking about low-cut frocks, not naked skin). Coffee and bosoms every morning on the news. And do hospital administrators really dress like Dr. Cuddy on "House"? My den overfloweth with images of overflowing, button-stressed tops.

A couple of weekends ago Lily and I went dress shopping for a dress for her for church confirmation and for middle-school graduation. (Didn't I already whine about this? Well, if I did, I'm not done.) There were NO dresses that didn't show bosoms. My child is 14. She shouldn't even have bosoms. I think she should leave them home in a box, under the bed. Save them for later. But no. She has bosoms and the fashion designers have plans for them.

They are to be emancipated. Yes, as soon as bosoms sprout, they are to be displayed, set free, let loose upon the world. Yes, the dresses are even pretty. But pretty doesn't equal appropriate.

On our very painful shopping trip, Lily picked out several dresses. Hmmmm. Lots of spaghetti straps. Dresses that were nothing more than bikinis with skirts attached. So I went through the racks (no pun intended) looking for more modest clothes (we were in major department stores, not your local Hookers 'r' Us), and they were not there. There are no modest clothes. We are all hookers now.

So, we tried to do the best with what they had. Lily looked stunning. Like a sexy 25-year-old. She'd have to wear a nametag that ready, "Sorry. I'm really 14." with any of these dresses.

We haggled. We negotiated. I looked back through the racks. There were two other mothers in the dressing room, and we were all having the same argument with our 14-year-old daughters.

"You're not planning on wearing THAT, are you?"

Why yes. And before 4:00. In fact, before I'm 16. Before I'm 18. Before your very eyes.

Well, one of the dresses was marked down to $12 and actually was lovely, except for the fact that there was no fabric across the bustline. So I told Lily she could get it if she wore a camisole. She agreed. And tonight she tried on the dress with a camisole. She said it looked terrible and made her look like a hillbilly.

Better a hillbilly than something else.

Hear that stomping? That's me putting my foot down. I'm getting quite a rhythm going. Pretty soon it will be a real 'ho-down.

I may have a new play, though. Something that will be a real game-changer. Okay. She can show her bosoms.

Two can play at that game. Or would this make it four? I, too, have bosoms. And I'm not afraid to use them. 

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, though some apples may have fallen a lot farther South than others. But you didn't need to know that.

Yes, I have a plan. Can there be anything worse than having your mother show up somewhere not fully dressed? And there's only one thing that will stop me.

"When I say, 'WE don't show our bosoms,' I mean 'WE.' You show yours, and I'll show mine."

I will win. This time.

How Could I Forget "Lost"?

I am addicted to "Lost," but I forgot to watch it last night. Maybe the next thing I 'll do is forget all about chocolate.

Here's hoping.

Things I Think I Remember from 2008

I had this idea that I would post a list of books, movies, good food and other good things I remember from 2008. The only problem is, here on January 1, I can't remember.

I do remember reading an article many years ago in Harper's? The Atlantic? The New Yorker? that was entitled, "Books I Think I've Read." That's me. Except I can't remember which ones they are.

I did discover something this year that greatly surprised me. I really like Stephen King! I had read his book, On Writing, and thought it was one of the best books about writing I've ever read. I keep it on my desk and recently listened to him read it on my iPod. (www.Audible.com is a great source for books you can listen to on-the-go, though my library is rapidly overtaking them in titles that are free).

I decided to try out one of his books of fiction, and listened to Duma Key. Highly recommended. Then I read where Stephen King recommended The Story of Edgar Sawtelle (this was before Oprah, etc.) and I listened to that. Absolutely fantastic.

It's Hamlet set in Minnesota with a hearing mute boy and dogs. Riveting. And here's one of the things that made me laugh the hardest this year: one of the reviewers on Amazon panned it because she didn't like the ending. It's Hamlet! You're not supposed to like the ending. But even the ending was wonderful.

I'd recommend more but I can't remember. Here's to a more memorable 2009.

Curing My News Addiction

I need to cut back on my consumption of the news. I know all I need to know now. Actually, I know more than I need to know for my mental health. I'm going to limit my time spent staying current on the news. Although being informed is part of being a good citizen, I need to take a break.

Say, for the next four years.

Obama is getting the worst job in the world. I hope he's a quick study and proves to be up for it. I will be praying for him and for all of us. Yes, God bless America.

The Possibility of Certain Death

Hurricane Ike is hurtling toward Texas and the TV reporter said just two hours ago, "People in Ike's path face the possibility of certain death."

Lily picked right up on that one because she wasn't waiting for the coffee pot to do its stuff. "Mom, what is wrong with them? You can't have the possibility of certain death."

In TV land you can.

As Americans, we believe in the possibility of certain death. Sure, everyone dies. But it's just so -- un-American. Secretly, deep down in our hearts, don't we keep death as a remote possibility, for other people but surely not for us? We live not with the knowledge of certain death, but with its possibility. If I really believed I was going to die one day, would I spend so much time on the things that don't matter? Would I stand in line in Wal-Mart, hoping to save a couple of bucks?

And if I got rid of the things that don't matter, what would I have left? I think I'd be standing in a group hug with my friends and (certain) family members.

I believe the newscaster was unable to form the words "certain death." She had to pad it, to keep it at arm's length and safe. So even though the authorities (pick one) have announced that anyone who remains behind in Ike's path faces certain death, for the newscaster, and the rest of us mortals, we have to reframe that into the possibility of certain death.

You can go a long time and through a lot of things without having it register that death is a reality for everyone. I don't believe my father believes he's going to die. He's lived for 96 years. Why should he die now? In fact, I once read a piece on the probability of death and it said something like that the longer you lived, the less likely you were to die. (It made sense in the way they made their case.)

I hope the people in Texas take the possibility of certain death seriously and flee. And what has happened in Haiti is beyond understanding. Our prayers are with them.

Death is certain. It becomes less likely on any given day if you move out of the way of a hurricane. That is, if you have anywhere to go.

Pillow (and pillow graphic) from CafePress. Here's what they have to say about it:

If you Survived Hurricane Ike, let everyone know with these unique products.

Three Strikes

Did you miss me? I've been gone.

I've been out in the back yard doing primal scream therapy. I've had it. We were struck by lightning for the THIRD time this summer on Monday. This time was the worst. Not only did we lose our phone service, Internet and cable TV, but the lightning fried our well and two televisions.

This afternoon the well and all else (except for the dead TVs) were fixed. This is beginning to make me really cranky.

I was washing a tomato when it struck one of our TVs. Yes, I know better than to have my hands in running water in a lightning storm, but when you have a lightning storm every single afternoon during the cooking-dinner hour, you start to get slack. Fortunately, my hand was not in the water at that moment, but when the lightning blew out the TV in the kitchen and I heard the breakers go I did what all sane people would do. I screamed and tossed my tomato, which splatted on the floor.

When I realized that I was still here and the tomato needing cleaning up, I was grateful that I wasn't dead but was rattled. (I don't really think I was close to being hit but I was standing without three feet of the fried, turned-off TV and it made quite an impressive BANG-YOU'RE-DEAD sound.)

I'm glad none of us were hurt, the house didn't catch fire and that the horses weren't struck. I'm trying to hold onto that thought instead of....

Why do we have insurance if we can't file a claim?
(If we file a claim we lose our "no claims" discount.)

Anyway. When it gets right down to it, I've discovered that running water is even more important to me than the Internet and the telephone.

Even if said water is so full of Clorox (they shocked the well after putting the new pump in) that the whole house smells like a laundromat and we're buying bottled water even for the cat and I'm only washing whites.... And of course the hose is running in the yard, trying to run all that Clorox out.

So what this all means is that I'm back. At least until struck again.

The Vacation is Over

I'm back -- and kind of sorry about it.

The switch on our water pump had a problem so we had no water. Now it's back -- and I'm back to doing laundry. A working well and water pump is one of the world's greatest inventions.

The lightning that gave me technical problems before vacation did something to my computer and my speakers and printer quit working. The lights were on but nobody was home. Finally, late last night, I got it working again. Had to uninstall a bunch of stuff and re-install, plus had to use different USB ports. I think the lightning got some of my USB ports. Now I have wires going everywhere and am beginning to feel like Medusa.

And then nobody remembered how to hook the TV back up to all the wires and boxes (since we unplugged everything before we left). I've about had it with wires and boxes.

The vet is coming to see the horses this afternoon. One injured an ankle while we were gone and the other caught a cough. Ah me.

And my father fell, but he's okay.

I'll post pictures and write up a little about our trip to St. Maarten/St. Martin. It's a beautiful place, no hotter than here, and I didn't have any wires or livestock to concern myself with.

And to think we could have stayed two weeks!

Lost without "Lost"

I decided to follow Anwyn's advice and not watch the current season of "Lost" since I haven't seen the previous seasons. We watched Season 1 and got hooked. I bought Season 2 at a going out of business sale at the local video store. We finished Season 2 on Saturday night. That sent me further into town to Blockbuster to rent Season 3 yesterday. This stuff is like crack.

Blockbuster is missing the first three discs of Season 3 and had only one copy of the whole season. Somebody checked them out and didn't bring them back -- and Blockbuster isn't going to replace them. I'm feeling like Charlie here. Addiction! I'm breathing faster, starting to sweat. What? No "Lost"? If I had a statue of the Virgin Mary with a copy of Season 3 in it, I'd be clumsily breaking it open with my junkie-withdrawal hands.

So I got the semi-helpful Blockbuster employee to call the next closest store. Theirs is gone, too. What's with these people? And they want me to join online, which I tried but couldn't make the web site work. Surely they could mail me "Lost." But that might take too long. I need it now. Now now now.

Knowing that one day Season 2 would end, I've been bidding on it on e-bay for a couple of weeks. Losing, too.

Blockbuster would sell me an unopened set for $50 (note: why don't they open the set and rent it since theirs is missing?). But I knew I could get it on Amazon for $38 and free shipping.....if I could hold out.

So -- I'm embarrassed to admit this -- I drove to Wal-Mart, pretending we needed food that I almost forgot to buy (I had to go back in the store for it). Wal-Mart had Season 3 for $48. I might be an addict, but I don't want to have so much 'splaining to do when I get home. "You spent $50 for a TV show because you had to have it NOW?"

I really couldn't defend that, not even to myself. And I do know that I could watch "selected episodes" streaming from the "Lost" web site. But this has been such a fun family affair. We don't want to be crowded around a little screen while my husband cusses about Vista. (Note: There is probably a way to hook the laptop up to the TV. Tell me about it later.)

So, since I've been working out with such regularity, I decided that my reward is to get Season 3, since the other Lost Crack Addicts have stolen them from the Blockbusters and left me hanging. My very own legal copy should arrive tomorrow from Amazon.

Watching TV on DVDs is great. No ads. You can sit there like the junkie you are and watch two episodes a night. But what do you do when you run out? I can't go back to watching Paul channel surf.

I rarely watch TV. I don't even know what shows are out there. I got hooked on "24" last year and look where that got me. What's next? Help!

Another Reason Why Teenagers Need Cell Phones

I don't work for any cell phone company. Yet I keep finding more and more reasons why a girl (or a boy) needs a cell phone.

Tune in to Dateline tonight to see this story. In 2006 S. C. teenager Elizabeth Shoaf was kidnapped and placed in an underground bunker where she was held captive and sexually assaulted for 10 days. Though would-be rescuers were searching for her everywhere, the bunker was so well hidden that they couldn't find her. Because she was able to trick her kidnapper and sent a text-message to her mother, she was rescued.

Nobody should go what she went through. Here's an excerpt from her story:

I think that Vinson, the man that kidnapped me, is just stupid. He isn’t crazy because if he was, he would have killed me or done something worse.  He knew what he was doing and he got outsmarted. Not to be snobby, but he thought he could get away with kidnapping and raping me for 10 days and I, 14 years old, outsmarted him -- a 36-year-old man.

A cell phone is sometimes the next best thing to a gun.

Lost in "Lost"

I'm not much of a TV watcher beyond "24," "Masterpiece Theatre" and the news. That's mainly because I'm not allowed to hold the remotes and I don't care for "Cops," "American Idol" or all the other channels quickly flipping by.

I did hold the remotes once. I was wicked. I'd watch Paul's eyes. Whenever they would focus and I could tell he was engaging with what he was seeing on TV, I'd switch to another channel. I did this repeatedly until I accidentally found a show on how to renovate a toilet. I left it on that and just watched him. He finally figured it out.

Yes, I was mean. Vengeful might be a better word. (I seem to be mean today. Actually, not meaner than usual but more inclined to admit it. Must be the cold meds.)

But I've figured out a way around this problem in our house. We watch old TV series we didn't watch when they first came out because that would have required staying on one channel for more than fifteen seconds.

Last year we discovered "24" and watched all the seasons. Then we did "Firefly." We've recently discovered "Lost," and although the writer part of me feels like I've been had (not so sure about  revealing mystery as a substitute for plot), I'm enjoying the show.

We've got two more DVDs left in Season 1, then we'll do Seasons 2 and 3. That will have us all set to start Season 4 when it cranks up February 3.

Oops. That was three weeks ago.

So, do we jump right in tomorrow night and watch "Lost," knowing we'll be completely lost and possibly have some of the things in the previous seasons spoiled for us, or do we keep going from the beginning and wait for the DVDs to come out on Season 4?

We're not good waiters. We're not good planners, either, so we may forget to watch the current season. Or do it all at once.