LifePundit

The Drama Mama

"You'll probably be getting a call from Carla's mother," Lily said on the way to school yesterday.

Carla is her best friend. They're both 14 and don't date. They do text. I think that's how a crush works these days. You text. Then when you're with the boy in person, you don't know how to talk to your crush. Carla liked a boy, then told him she didn't like him. It (the like), was over. So Lily asked Carla if it was all right if Lily liked him, and Carla said yes because Carla was finished liking him. So Lily likes this boy. And now Carla has changed her mind, I suspect with some help from her mother. Carla likes him. And doesn't want Lily to like him anymore.

Is this like a dog chasing a car or what? What would these girls do with these boys if they had them? Never mind, don't tell me. I'm enjoying my innocence.

Carla's mother has told Carla that Lily violated "Girl's Rules," which include but are not limited to that you never like your friend's ex- what would he be? Ex-crush? Ex-like? I was not aware of it, but something called "Girl's Rules" were handed down at Mt. Sinai. My mother apparently didn't know them either, as she didn't teach them to me. I wonder what other Girl's Rules are out there to be violated.

Carla's mother has called the boy's mother. And now Carla's mother has called me.

Carla's mother is a really nice person. She's just overly involved in her daughter's life. And a bit of a Drama Mama.

"I just wanted to warn you that there may be a bit of drama when you pick up Lily from school today," she told me. I'm afraid I wasn't much fun. I said that this was the girls' problem and that I wasn't going to get involved.

I also said that I was sure their friendship was strong enough to survive this. "I'm not so sure," Carla's mother said, with great warning in her voice. That would be a shame as they are best friends and very compatible. They even have the same taste in boys.

Where is the boy in all this? And how far has his mother been sucked into the drama? Don't know. Don't these people have lives?

So I said again to Carla's mother, "I'm sorry, but they need to work this out themselves. I'm not going to get involved."

"Neither am I," said the Drama Mama. And I didn't say, "Then why are you calling me?"

The Science Project

(Photo is of my state of mind, not Lily's science project.)

The phone rings, and I'm almost afraid to answer it. The caller ID says it's the mother of one of Lily's friends, and although she is an interesting and nice woman, she seems to have more time on her hands than I do. Or you do. Or anyone else does.

She seems to have more time on her hands than my mother does. My mother has Alzheimer's and is bedridden. Yes, some of us are busy. And others of us are looking for something to do.

This woman is a bit too involved in her daughter's life. She's calling to find out "how we're coming on our science project?"

"I don't have a science project, and Lily is watching TV," I say. I feel like a negligent mother. I'm not sure I remember what the science project is about. Then I remember. I've already finished eighth grade. I don't have a science project, other than what's growing in the refrigerator.

"Are you splitting the (FORGOT WHAT SHE SAID) into different pages or doing it together?" she asks. I have no idea what she's talking about, but I have the urge to be helpful.

"I haven't even looked at it, but I think I'd put things on separate pages. Make the whole thing look longer," I say.

"You aren't working on it? My daughter has been working all day (Saturday) and will be working on it all day tomorrow," she exclaims.

The drama comes from the fact that the science teacher forgot to tell them all until the last minute that they need to include a major part of the project that hasn't been mentioned before -- a booklet -- when they turn the project in on Monday.

Though this shouldn't have happened, I figure it's Lily's problem. Lily seems unconcerned. So when I (finally) get off the phone with her friend's mother, I feel the need to check to be sure that there isn't some adolescent slip-up slipping up right under my nose.

"Your friend and her whole family are scrambling to get her science project finished by Monday. Why are you watching TV?" I quiz Lily.

"Because I like this show, and it's Saturday," she says.

"What about your science project? Why aren't you foaming at the mouth?" I say. "Have you looked at everything you're supposed to turn in?"

"Could you move out of the way of the TV?" Lily says.

"Not until you tell me about your science project." I'm not going to be the negligent mother I feel like I am.

So Lily gets her scrawled notes. "It's supposed to have a title page, a contents page, a summary, research method..., Mom, why am I reading you this?"

"I'm just making sure there's no Sunday night surprise when you go to put it together," I say.

"There's nothing to this," she says. "All I have to do is reformat what I've already done."

"Then why is your friend's family working all weekend?" I ask.

"Because they're not us," she says. Then, "Thank you, Mom, for not getting so involved in my stuff."

"You're welcome. As long as you're getting good grades and acting normal, I won't."

What she doesn't realize is that at this point, I probably couldn't pass eighth grade, so that's why I'm leaving it to her.

The Twilight of My Peace

Twilight, the movie, opened last Friday. Lily went with a group of friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. My minister, who is the mother of the birthday girl, took them all. She said she wanted to know what they were watching, and I was glad to delegate that task to her.

I tried listening to Twilight, the book, on my iPod. I'm clearly not the audience. I couldn't finish it. I think it's the equivalent of soft porn for teenagers, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Lily has read every book in the series.

Lily spent the weekend cleaning up her room. She emptied photo frames and put pictures of the "hot" guys from Twilight in them. She even framed her ticket stub.

The walls used to have posters of large cats from the zoo, zebras and horses. One horse poster survived the Twilight purge. The rest of the frames are filled with Twilight-obelia and "hot" guys.

She showed it all to Paul and me. We made sincere grunting noises. They seemed to satisfy her. Later, Paul said, "At least they're hot guys she'll never meet."

Buddy (her horse) stood at the fence when we drove up from school today. Lily asked me to cancel her riding lesson because she had too much homework, and hasn't been riding much lately anyway. That was convenient for her teacher so we canceled.

Buddy was still at the fence when I walked down to the mailbox. I petted his friendly self and wondered if he could compete with a hot vampire. I think both of us shared this sad moment. He cannot.

I hope she'll come back to us soon. Maybe there's room for both hot guys and forgiving horses. That one horse poster remains.

Horses are forever. Vampires are just immortal.

The Gay Girl on the Church Retreat

Lily just got back from her first church retreat. She went with 500 middle-schoolers from around the state to a weekend retreat in the mountains. I've been using the time she's been away to write my novel and to date my husband, which has been great.

As usual, I'm not prepared for what happened next. Apparently, Lily feels like she was "hit on" by a lesbian girl at the retreat. (And here I was, worried about her loose with the boys.)

Well, well. What to say? Since I didn't know what to say, I did something even better. I listened. It was an accident that I didn't preach to her....about....something. But since I had no idea what the something was, I listened.

The girl's behavior did sound too friendly and off-putting. She did write messages that were a little over-the-top for an acquaintance of any gender. I don't know if the girl was gay or not, but I do know that my girl was uncomfortable by her approaches and attention.

I hope I said that I was proud of Lily for being polite and steady, but I might have only thought that. I do know that I said I was sorry -- for her and for the other girl. What a toughie for middle-schoolers.

Whatever Lily is going to become is already in process. I could pound on her with a hammer to make her what I want her to be, but I think it would break the hammer. At this point, the best I can do is be a cheerleader for her to make the right choices and to treat people the way she would want to be treated. And pray for everybody.

Churches and denominations are splitting over the issue of homosexuality. Because I know people who chose and experimented with homosexuality for a while only to ditch it when the novelty wore off, I don't think homosexuality should be viewed as a standard life choice. If you chose to be gay, you really ought to straighten yourself out. However, because I know and care about people for whom it was not an option but the way they were created by the same creator who created me, I cannot pass judgment on them. I believe that some people were born gay. Knowing them has enriched and blessed my life.

A few years ago, before they came out with the AIDS' drug cocktails, a gay friend came to tell me that he was HIV-positive. Again, it was a good thing that I didn't know what to say so I shut up and listened. All I could offer was hope and concern. He eventually got around to talking about God and faith, so I invited him to go with me to church as he wasn't a member of any faith community.

He turned me down, saying he wouldn't be welcome there. It took me a while to realize it, but I'm afraid he was very close to right.

Which is the greater sin, to be gay, or to be a congregation that doesn't welcome one of God's children in need?

I don't have the answer to this very divisive and inflammatory issue. I can quote you scripture that's abundantly clear that this is not the preferred lifestyle (can I be euphemistic or what?). Then I can introduce you to people I believe were created a little differently. I do not believe that they chose to be gay anymore than I chose to be short.

The only thing I am sure of is that we're supposed to love them just as Christ does.

All the Presbyterians Had Was a Basket and a Rubber Chicken

The Baptists are way ahead of everybody. There are more of them, and it looks like they're smarter, too. They've always got something going on, and they make it look like as much fun as you can have without alcohol.

We're Presbyterian and there's a Southern Baptist church across the street from our church. Every Sunday night the youth groups gather at their respective churches for pizza and salvation, or at least to keep them from their weekly gang meeting or whatever menace is out there.

This past Sunday night our youth group was having a lively game of rubber chicken on the small lawn in front of the church. (No, I don't know how you play rubber chicken but you also have to have a basket.) Across the street the Baptists had a carnival -- complete with rides!

So here are our kids on a scrawny patch of grass playing with a rubber chicken, and there are the Baptists and all their friends -- and a whole carnival spread out on their large campus.

One of the adult leaders of the youth complained last night at a meeting, "All I had was a basket and a rubber chicken. They had a carnival. How are we supposed to compete with that?"

Maybe get two rubber chickens?

How Technology Can be Used in Abusive Teen Relationships

Lily's not allowed to use IM. She can use e-mail or the telephone to contact her friends. Or can text-message them on her cell phone. Usually she and her friends exchange photos of new haircuts, embarrassing pictures of siblings and parents, and cute animals. I hope the trend continues.

We never thought we'd get her a cell phone until she was driving, but her new school changed that. (More about this tomorrow.) We thought it was a safety issue.

The fifth-grade girl bully at her private school used IM to torment her rivals. At one point the bully learned another girl's password, went online and impersonated that girl, and did all she could to anger and alienate her rival's friends. In fifth grade.

And now the Christian Science Monitor reports that For Teen Daters, A Cell Phone Can be an Abusive Leash. Here's part of the story:

For teens, cellphones are an essential tool for everything from social networking to video games. For parents, knowing their child has a cellphone provides a sense of security. But for a substantial number of teens who are dating, communications on cellphones and computers are taking a turn toward obsession and abuse.

It's a side of kids' social lives that many parents aren't aware of, according to a study released last week by Liz Claiborne          Inc. In partnership with the National Domestic Violence Hotline, the company has also just launched loveisrespect.org, the first national website and 24-hour help line that specifically addresses teen dating abuse.

In the survey, conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, 20 to 30 percent of teens who had been in relationships said their partner had constantly checked in on them, had harassed or insulted them, or had made unwanted requests for sexual activity, all via cellphones or text messages. One out of 4 reported hourly contact with a dating partner between midnight and 5 a.m. – in some cases, 30 times per hour. And 1 out of 10 had received physical threats electronically. A much smaller percentage of parents reported that their teens had had such experiences.

      

"Dating violence has always had this core feature ... of trying to control the thoughts, feelings, and actions of another person," says Julie Kahn, program director of the Transition House Dating Violence Intervention Program in Cambridge, Mass. "When you add the technological piece, there are more ways to track someone, to keep someone on an 'electronic leash,' if you will."

There have always been abusers and bullies. What's new is how clueless we parents are to the ways technology can be used to hurt and control others.

Lily turns 13 this weekend. All she wants is horse stuff, including getting the trailer repainted. Just hope this passion lasts.

 

             

You can eat a whole stick of butter

Lily says that when she gets to heaven, the first thing she's going to do is eat a stick of butter. I don't know where this comes from. I told her that in the scheme of things, it's okay to eat a stick of butter one time in your life. Go ahead. I bless you.

I went from being a kid who wouldn't eat to being a college student who gained the Freshman Fifteen (plus three) and have beens struggling with my deep and abiding love with food ever since. But only good food. (By that I mean food that tastes good.) You could put me in a room full of raw bell peppers and not a thing would happen.

So I've read all the stuff about how to get your child to eat healthy. And I've tried to practice it. I tell her to stop when she's full, I try not to use sweets as a reward, and we sit down to eat supper as a family and usually have healthy food.

(Note: Paul has a high metabolism. He used to eat ice cream on his cereal and then have ice cream for dessert at night. He eats the whipped cream directly from the squirt can. He does not gain weight and if he does, he loses is by thinking about it. He is a very unsympathetic but otherwise good sort and we fight about The Clean Plate Club for Lily.)

Anyway. Lily is hanging out with friends who often speak about eating healthy. This is a good thing and I am grateful. But somehow, she has made this MY problem. (And since I do the grocery shopping, it pretty much is.)

"Mom, I want to eat healthy breakfasts from now on," she said last week.

"Great," I said. "What would you like?"

"Don't say cereal," she said.

"All right, then how about oatmeal?" I said.

"Don't say oatmeal," she said.

"How about whole wheat pancakes," I offer.

"Will you put chocolate chips in them?" she asked.

"No."

"No thanks, then," Lily said.

"Okay, I give up. What would you like for your healthy breakfast?" I ask.

"I don't know. That's your problem," Lily said. I knew she was half-way joking, which is why I did not slap her into next week though that remains an option.

Lunches are getting more difficult, too. "Mom, don't put any more cookies into my lunch bag, okay? I want just a healthy lunch."

And we go over the thing about what does she want and nothing I offer appeals to her. So I asked, "What do your friends bring for lunch?"

"Peanut butter sandwiches and fruit," she said.

"But you're allergic to peanut butter," I said, like this wasn't her number one fear in the world. Lurking nuts.

"So you'll have to think of something else," she said. Then she winked at me again and said, "It's your problem."

The child wants healthy food and doesn't like it. The apple didn't fall far from the tree on that one. Oh dear.

"How about if I pack you some raw vegetables and a turkey sandwich?"

"You know I can't have raw vegetables because of my braces." And she's sick of turkey. Aren't we all.

So I thought I'd solve my problems this morning. "You get to pack your own lunch today."

Driving to school I asked, "So, what's in your lunch?"

"Two slices of bread and an applesauce."

"That's all carbohydrates. What about some turkey?"

"Why?"

"For protein."

She shrugs.

I am out of ideas. Tomorrow morning I'm going to pack her lunch with one item: a stick of butter.

But then, I'm out of options for the next day.

How to tell twins apart

How do you tell twins apart? Help me!

I have cousins who are twins. Two sets of cousins who are twins. I doubt that my aunt could tell her sons apart; they were that alike. The other twins I could tell who was who but could never remember which name went with which one, because that was the era when twins were dressed alike and had twin names.

Now I've got nephews who are twins and they are easy to tell apart. They don't look alike and their names aren't twin names. Thank you, thank you to my brother and sister-in-law for making things easy.

But here's the problem and I need your help. Lily is great friends with a set of twins who are absolutely identical. One had a spot on her nose that helped for a while, but the darn thing went away. When they come over, I try to associate the colors they are wearing with their names. Then they put on their bathing suits and the jig is up. I think I've quit calling them by name, which isn't fair or nice.

But! What do I do? My daughter says one's face is rounder than the other. I can't tell.

Any strategies for telling twins apart so I can treat these nice girls right? (I'm so embarrassed I've asked them so many times....)