After I wrote my last post, I realized once again that this was a case of my strength becoming my weakness -- I am reasonably hospitable and will sacrifice myself for the expectations of others (in this case, my dear sister-in-law and brother-in-law and their family, whom I would love to show a Martha Stewart Thanksgiving), but that this was just plain silly. Even if my mother-in-law has arranged it all, I just can't do it with the building project going on AND my determination to get my novel in shape.
So I wrote my mother-in-law (she can't hear -- she has yelled herself deaf -- so the phone is no good) and explained to her the situation, including how our house has stored building materials everywhere. It is tempting but not uplifting to cut-and-paste her response here, but that would be wrong.
However, I can't help divulging this one little detail from her response: "Since you haven't had us over to your house since February, how was I to know that you have building supplies stored in your house and therefore can't have everyone over for Thanksgiving?"
Every politely cast sentence she wrote had a dig. I have resisted the temptation to reply with, "Well, did you ever think there might be a reason you haven't been invited over? Like the fact that you criticize everything you see?" But that would be a waste of electrons, or whatever makes up e-mail.
And there was another dig about my novel.
As St. Paul said, inasmuch as it is possible, be at peace with all men.
What's possible is the question. But peace doesn't come from allowing those who would trample your boundaries to trample them.
Excuse me if I am stepping over a line here, but how about your husband taking point on communications like this? That way if she says to him what she said to you, he can feel free to respond however is appropriate! And if she *doesn't* have the guts to say it to him, so much the better!
Posted by: Anwyn | October 31, 2008 at 11:07 AM
You have not stepped over the line at all. In fact, my husband has told me to set my computer so that all his mother's e-mails go to junk and I don't even know about them, and he says for me not to answer the phone.
However, I can't be quite so cold as to send my MIL's e-mails to junk. So when the one came in dropping fat hints about how everybody needed to come to our house for Thanksgiving, I didn't answer it and forwarded it to my husband. He didn't answer it, but it was clear that his plans and response wouldn't work.
His solution? He would finish the building project by Thanksgiving (which would clear the building supplies out of our house) and that he and our 13-year-old would cook a Thanksgiving feast for 13.
No way is the building going to be finished by then. And no way will the two of them pull off Thx dinner without my involvement, even if my involvement comes from guilt if nothing else.
So that's why I sent a reply to my MIL. To short-circuit overly optimistic plans that would put a lot of stress on my family (husbands who are working full time and renovating a building are already going as fast as they can -- it costs him interest every day the renovation isn't finished, so he's quite motivated to get it done and I don't think can go any faster).
He can't get it all done. I can't live with him trying to do so. Let's just stop the well intentioned, crazy optimism right here.
In fact, what I told my MIL was that we could have everyone for Thanksgiving if the building was complete, but that we wouldn't know that until closer to the time.
Posted by: lifepundit | October 31, 2008 at 11:58 AM
Wow.
Posted by: Anwyn | October 31, 2008 at 08:38 PM
can't wait to talk about THIS in 2 weeks!!
Posted by: lori | November 01, 2008 at 12:40 PM
can't wait to talk about THIS in 2 weeks!!
Posted by: lori | November 01, 2008 at 12:41 PM
Good for you. Stand your ground and do it with grace.
Ever read the book Boundaries? It's ex.cell.ent.
Posted by: groovyoldlady | November 01, 2008 at 04:01 PM