How to Take An Old Person to Lunch

My father likes for me to "come get him out of there" and take him to lunch. The more limited he becomes, the more difficult this is. Here's a list of suggestions to myself for the next outing:

1. Bring a patient grandchild along. Bribery can inspire patience. Bribery cannot inspire cheerfulness but cheerfulness can be faked. Demand it.
2. Don't have anything scheduled for the rest of the day.
3. If you plan to pick your old person up at 11:00 a.m. for lunch, be aware that they will be sitting there waiting for you at 8:00 a.m. and will be mad when you show up on time that you weren't there earlier. Getting there earlier won't help, unless you get there at 7:59 a.m.
4. Make sure you have room in the car for the walker.
5. BRING AN EXTRA OXYGEN TANK NO MATTER WHAT THEY TELL YOU.
6. Ask often if they need to go to the bathroom. Those heart meds bring frequent and urgent needs and are  most likely to occur when there is no bathroom. Like a toddler, they will resist going to the bathroom when the needs isn't urgent (yet) because the effort to get to the bathroom and tend to their business requires so very much work that it's physically exhausting. However, so is cleaning the urine smell out of your car. My father wants to bring his portable urinal with him, but he's not a good aim. This is TMI for you -- and for me. Believe me. We are deeply into TMI in the elimination department. It must be just awful.
7. The average maitre d' will try to stick you into the back because elderly people with freshly spotted pants and oxygen tanks do not look good in the front of the restaurant. This is their problem. Insist that you be seated in a convenient, quiet table with padded seats that isn't far from the entrance or the bathroom.
8. Try to pick a place that isn't loud. Pick a place with incredible desserts because the sweet taste buds are the last to go.
9. Think in advance of subjects to talk about so you'll have topics other than elimination.
10. Bring a (waterproof) pillow in case the chairs are hard. When an old man has lost 50 lbs., he's got no butt or back padding. I may get a pillow just for this purpose. Maybe an outdoor cushion with a back and bottom in it. Just hope it doesn't slip and slide and throw him on the floor!
11. If the meal they choose comes with pasta, ask for bowties or other shapes that are easier to handle than long noodles that need twirling.
12. Order something extremely healthy for yourself. You might get old and you want to be healthy and in good condition. If you need reminding, look across the table.
13. Expect to hear that the food doesn't taste right. It probably doesn't because elderly taste buds are shot. Be sympathetic and not argumentative. Offer to get something else. Some foods do still taste good, though it seems to be a random thing and I can't tell you what they are. It's not a fun outing for somebody to find out that one more thing is wrong with them.
14. Bring Shout or some other brand of wipes to help clean up afterwards, if they don't mind. Nobody likes to wear their lunch but sometimes it's better not to acknowledge it.
15. Don't forget to stop at the bathroom before leaving.
16. Leave a good tip.
17. Ask if you can run errands on the way home.

Usually we get lousy service from people who want to stick us in the back and find us high maintenance. Yesterday Lily and I took my father to the Macaroni Grill. The maitre d' immediately found us a table where my father didn't have to walk far (without my requesting it) and brought extra napkins for my father to sit on so the chair would be softer. The waiter wanted to chat with my father about his life, since they'd both graduated from the same school. It was too loud, but my father was okay after taking his hearing aids out. The loaf of bread (loaves I should say) was a big hit. Great service from kind, thinking people. And not one word about elimination.

Comments

[Angela]

Great advice! I will use when I take my grandmother to lunch next time. Do you have any advice for when she says something inappropriate to the waitstaff? An example would be something about their weight or hair color. Very embarassing stuff!!!!

[Anne]

My father also comments on the waitress’s hair color or weight and sometimes how dark or light skinned they are. You’ll find me under the table. I don’t know how to prevent this at all but warn you it gets worse. That’s what the big tip is for.

[Anwyn]

*hug*

Kudos to your Macaroni Grill!