I have been chasing my tail for several years now. And this week, I finally caught it.
The catalyst is that writer's course I'm taking (online) on Defeating Your Self-Defeating Behaviors. You have to understand that I am the very definition of Self-Defeating Behaviors. I can read a diet book and eat a brownie at the same time. Buy expensive software and office supplies to track finances in order to save money. Call somebody to tell them I can't do whatever thing they have asked me only to hear myself not only say yes, but offer to be in charge.
And I have never finished a "to do" list in my life. If I hadn't lost it in the mess, I'd probably be working on the "to do" list I started in eighth grade.
Guess what? I can't get it all done because nobody could. My list is too long.
I thought I was smarter, faster, stronger, smellier or whatever and that meant that I really could Do It All. And, to make matters worse, Sometimes I did, validating my self-defeating behavior.
Today I was a failure. I made a list and exchanged it with my new friend and accountability partner who I know very little about (but she's a great accountability partner), and when I send in tomorrow's list and an accounting of today, I'll have to confess: I failed.
Oh, there are a couple of ticky marks on the list where I can cross out things like "Ate three meals," "Killed no one, even if they deserved it," and "Got dressed," but that's about the extent of it. I did not cure cancer, write my novel, finish two projects or the rest of the things on the list.
Today I had a meeting with the my father and the social worker at my mother's nursing home. I got to hear things I wish weren't true. Nothing much has changed. Mama's actually in excellent health, just bedridden and in the late stages of Alzheimer's. The nursing home people are wonderful. And while this has all become routine, deep down, there is nothing routine about it. My parents are running out of time.
The meeting, the visit, the errands for my father, took up a chunk of the morning and kept me busy until it was time to pick Lily up from school. She found me asleep in the car in the school parking lot. And when I got home, I couldn't do anything that requires much more than a brain powered by a 40-watt bulb.
After feeling just awful about this and being certain I would never be rid of my self-defeating behaviors, I had a reckoning: Maybe I shouldn't plan quite so much on days when I get to hear, see and experience the dying of my parents' lights.
I forgive me. I did all that today needed.
My first visit here Ann, and I am glad I came by.
You are right- you DID do enough that day. Remember that little inner voice? Be sure to listen to it. Spend time with Mom and Dad. Celebrate the time that is left with them.
I dealry hope your accountability partner cut you some slack there, and helped you to STOP beating on yourself for that day...
Live every moment to the fullest, and treasure every memory.... We never know what lies in store for us around the next corner...
MM
Posted by: Mrs Mom | January 19, 2008 at 06:21 AM