Big Sexy Hair

This is a rant, not an ad. Here is a link to the product but I don't think I'll get credit because I'm just set up for books and don't know how to make this a book. But since Lori needs some, I thought maybe the rest of you would like to know where to get the Big Sexy stuff.

I cannot operate my hair. I am not gifted in hair, though I am good at growing hair. I hear that my hair grows fast.

I wish I could somehow take advantage of this. Get a job growing hair. Actually, my great aunt had The Longest Hair in the World and was in Ripley's Believe It or Not sideshow during the Depression. This is the inspiration for my novel that does not yet exist.

But that's not the point of this post. I'm going to rant about hair products here.

My "do" is supposed to be sort of fluffy on top. My hairdresser achieves this with a product called "Big Sexy Hair." (I thought Big Hair was out.) Since I cannot operate hair, I bought said Big Sexy Hair for my very own use. Some days my hair looks good. Some days my hair looks like I've had a riding hat on it. Even when I haven't. At no point does it look like Big Sexy Hair. I'm not sure I want it to look like Big Sexy Hair. Isn't that very 1980s?

We have a friend who kept her Big Hair well into the '90s. One day she went to the hairdresser and came back with Small Hair. She looked smashing. We all told her so, hoping she would take the hint. She said, "Nope. My hair is too dinky."

Too dinky. First time I've heard that.

Anyway, back to Big Sexy. It's a good product, but why name it that, put it in a big red can and make the letters large enough to see on a billboard? Silly me. Because sex sells. And most of us want to be Big Sexy.

It's not that I don't want to be Big Sexy. I've already got Big Sexy Butt. Why not have Big Sexy Hair?

Well, because when Lily sees the can on the counter, I have to go into explanations. "Mom, why do you want Big Sexy Hair?"

And I never give the right answer. You see, I'm trying to teach her that in spite of everything she sees on TV, at Wal-Mart and even in church, there are other flattering looks besides Big Sexy Boobs Hanging Out Everywhere. And Butts, Too. Have you seen the magazines for teenagers?

There's a time and place for cleavage. Seventh grade is not one of those times or places. Somehow, that big red can of Big Sexy Hair muddies the water. So I quit using the stupid product and stashed the can in the back of the cabinet.

Then my hairdresser gave me a new "do." And I really can't operate it. I tried all the products that I bought in an attempt to replace Big Sexy. Each one is worse than the last.

So last night I fished out my giant red can of Big Sexy Hair. And today, my hair is behaving in a Medium-ish Sorta Attractive Way. That's as close as I need to get to Big Sexy right now. I'm not sure the whole neighborhood could stand it if I was suddenly transformed into Big Sexy.

I don't think I'll put a brown paper wrapper on the product. If I'm smart, I'll use it for a teachable moment about how sex sells, and what does the way we dress and act say about what we're selling?

I know I'm overthinking about all of this.  Can't help it. I'm a mom.

Comments

[Lori]

I've never heard of this product (you'd think everyone in Lower Alabama would know about Big Hair) but I want some! - would it be too inconvenient to get me some and bring to SSI? (or just tell me how to get it my ownself.......

[Anne]

So, I rant about this stupid product and rather than land the wrath of God on it, one of my best friends wants me to bring her a can?

Stay away from crack! Can I have some please?

Sure. They even have Big Sexy in the Bi Lo store here. I'll get you the Biggest, Sexiest can they have. Me and my Big Sexy Hair and my Big Non-Sexy Butt can't wait to see you!

[Lori]

laughing...so...hard...tearing...up...can't see...keyboard (cuz I still haveta look...)
xoxo

[Anne]

Be warned: It is not my fault if your new Big Sexy Hair misbehaves and starts up the Big Sexy with your car mechanic, the UPS man or whoever it chooses as its target. It's not my fault if Big Sexy starts acting like Big Strumpet and you find yourself with illegitimate hairs. Big Sexy does what it wants, with whomever it wants. Big Sexy does not live by your rules.

That's why I'm still looking for any of the following products: Nice Looking Hair that Behaves, Hair that Acts Right, Upright and Righteous Hair and Big Do-Nothing-Wrong Hair.

[Lori]

you win!!!!

[Lori]

you win!!!!