Jesus Didn't Have a Mother-in-Law

Paul's birthday is this weekend, so we are going out to dinner with his parents.

Did I mention that I am covered over with old people? We've got my parents, who are 95 and in frail condition. So Paul's parents moved down here so we could take care of them, too. They are in their 70s and at the retirement community where they party all the time. I couldn't keep up with them. It's like a country club and a middle-school clique, all rolled into one.

But I shouldn't complain about being covered over with old people, because I know that the clock is ticking pretty loudly for my own parents. And I grieve.

Still, some people are easier to deal with than others. And you won't find my mother-in-law's name on anybody's list of people who are easy to deal with.

I haven't figured out what is the Christian response to a person like her. I know I'm supposed to love her, but I'm not good enough to conjure love where there is none. Paul had to explain her outlandish behavior to Lily, and I think he summed it up well when he said, "You just have to understand that Granny is a dog who bites."

If you want to see Granny's picture, just google "Narcissistic Personality Disorder."

Granny has so damaged her relationship with Lily that Lily will hardly speak to her. We force Lily to be polite, as she must be to all grown-ups. She will never have to be alone with Granny again, though. Still, Lily is wary and Granny knows why. So what does Granny say? "Lily, you go to church, yet you aren't a very good person because you don't forgive me."

Incidentally, Granny has never admitted that she did anything requiring forgiveness. But now I'm getting cranked up and I am determined not to go there on this blog -- or any other area of my life. I cannot change Granny, and so far I cannot change my reaction to her, but I can change me. Surely.

I dread tonight's dinner, like I dread all interactions with her. I have tried to find a biblical approach to dealing with her. Sometimes I think she falls in the category of allowing me to shake the dust off my sandals and get the heck out of there. I have given up on getting through to her. She only hears what serves her. I know I'm supposed to love her, but I am not able. The best I can do is pray for her -- and even more for me.

You see, I don't like who I am around her. I don't like who I am before we get together, when I am stewing about what she might say/do this time. And I don't like who I am after we get together, when I am stewing about what she actually said/did this time. Truly, the best thing to do is to avoid her. I should be a bigger person, but I'm not.

But I'm going tonight. It is Paul's birthday. He hates to see his parents, too, but he is a Good Son so they are invited. And I try to be a good wife, lover and friend, so I, too, will go.

Happy Birthday, Paul.  At least we know the food will be good.

Comments

[Lori]

cut to the chase -- what did you have for dinner?!

[Anne]

Beef tenderloin with really good Bernaise sauce, lobster bisque, vegetables with plenty of butter (too much, if there is such a thing), and Boston cream pie. The regular Friday night dinner at the old folks' home (really!).

So I guess now I can blame my mother-in-law for my weight, right?

We all behaved. The food was good. Now, if I can just keep our distance for another year.....

Thanks for asking!

Anne

[Anwyn]

I guess the question is, how far can you go with straigh talk before it disrupts your relationship with your husband? Sounds like he knows the score. That must help.

[Anne]

Anwyn, my husband is great about this (for the most part). He tells me not to answer the phone if I see it's her on the caller ID.

The new wrinkle is that my MIL is writing her memoirs and wants me to edit them. Fortunately they are short. I'll just mark the most outlandish errors and then tell her it's all very good. That's all she wants anyway. To be stroked. In fact, that's all she can tolerate.

We have tried straight talk. I do believe she has a serious personality disorder and that unless there is some desire on her part to change, we are stuck with what we've got. We just try to protect ourselves and Lily. It's a real tragedy.

Thanks for stopping by and for your comments!